Solomon's Way

Elders and Families in Modern American Culture

Even a casual observer of our society cannot escape the fact that families are under increasing stress. The combination of an aging population, economic pressure, the effects of divorce and remarriage, an erosion of respect for elders, and the appearance of the “sandwich generation” (people who are simultaneously caring for parents and adult children) takes a toll on even the strongest family. The statistical trends, which indicate such a changing America, do not appear to be short-term.

Unfortunately, many families are ill-equipped to handle the tensions of the modern world. The erosion of support structures and relationships has led to an alarming rise in litigation, will contests, and disputes over end-of-life and care issues. Even where there is no relational conflict, elders and their families encounter highly complicated realities such as medical technologies, living arrangements, estate planning, and expanding life expectancy. With so many questions to sort through, elders are often the objects of decision making rather than the decision makers themselves.

In the midst of such challenges, we need a way to help families work through their questions without resorting to legal or interpersonal tactics that so damage relationships. Mediation has proven itself over many years to be an effective tool for those confronting the issues of aging. Through the mediation process, elders can express their unique voice and maintain a greater degree of independence and control over their lives, while families and caregivers can work toward solutions that fit their own needs as well.

What Is Elder Mediation?

Mediation is a process, outside the legal system, that uses “neutrals” to help people come to their own solutions for conflict or to discuss important life issues. In an elder mediation case, families and/or elders meet to discuss their concerns in a safe, unpressured environment that maximizes the options and possibilities for a successful outcome. An elder mediation takes into consideration the unique needs of elders and especially seeks to maximize their “voice” and their desire for self-determination.

Mediation can be appropriate for a variety of situations and issues, including questions and conflicts over wills, guardianship, health care directives, and probate; assisted living and nursing homes, home health, hospital and hospice care; and family relationships. There are a few circumstances where we will not mediate—most often these involve government-sponsored medical care plans or instances where we cannot mitigate a party’s mental or physical incapacity (see below for further information on capacity issues).

If you or an elder family member are facing questions or conflicts that you would like help resolving, we would love to provide a way, tailored to your needs, for you to work toward a loving and lasting solution.

A Word on “Capacity”

People often wonder if elders with age-related mental or emotional limitations can be candidates for mediation. Although a full answer to the question is fairly complex, the simple response is, “Yes.” For the most part, we presume capacity, and seek to find one of the numerous ways by which we can compensate for what is lacking. Please contact us if you have specific questions about who is able to participate in a mediation

Using Mediation in Families

People often ask where we use mediation for families. Here are a few of the possibilities:

• Estate planning and probate – discussing the provisions of a will while Dad and/or Mom are still alive; avoiding legal proceedings when a will is being probated;
• Questions and disputes with health care providers, living facilities, and other similar situations;
• Living arrangements and end-of-life issues (e.g. health care directives);
• Family relationships and family care;
• Guardianship

… and many more. Whatever the issue, mediation is a great way for families to honestly and thoroughly seek answers that can last a lifetime.

General Church Mediation

Christians Don’t Always “Get Along”

Since the earliest days of the church, Christians have found themselves caught between the biblical ideal of relational peace and the ongoing reality of relational conflict. The commandments to love, serve, honor, and desire the best for each other set a high bar for Jesus’ disciples, one that we frequently fail to reach. As much as we hope and pray otherwise, churches are often hotbeds of disagreements. And when Christians fight, the experience is often more intense, hurtful, and damaging than in more “secular circumstances.”

Despite the prevalence of conflict in the Christian world, however, we are often at a loss for how to avoid or address the consequences of our disagreements, which include destroyed relationships, divided (and regularly dividing) church bodies, and a sadly negative witness to the world.

We need ways to address conflict that go beyond the squabbling, slandering, and even splitting that defeat our aims of love and unity.

The Common Obstacles

Why do Christians have such a difficult time handling conflict? Some common reasons:

• Denial of problems. Fostering an environment where acknowleding conflict is dismissed as negative, unsubmissive, or divisive.
• Being super spiritual. Wrongly claiming “special” spiritual authority or insight to promote one’s own views or preferences.
• Pride and fear. A defensive mentality that refuses to allow outsiders to help with disputes
• Over-spiritualizing. A “we’ll just pray about it and things will get better” approach to conflict. This minimizes the role of ongoing human sin and weakness in relational difficulties.
• An over-emphasis on loyalty and personality. A refusal to address problems with certain leaders out of a misplaced sense of gratitude or “respect of authority.”

The Challenge: Dealing Honestly with Conflict

The first step in handling disputes in churches is for all parties to acknowledge and agree to face together the conflict among them. Second, those who are at odds must admit to their need for further help and guidance. Third, all participants need to confess that conflict is not just “someone else’s fault,” and take responsibility for their own role in the conflict. Finally, churches need a thoughtful, step-by-step process for conflict resolution in the long-term.

The Solution: Biblical Principles and Results

The clear teaching of scripture is that God gives grace to overcome our inclinations to defend ourselves, blame others, hold on to injury, and resist reconciliation. By receiving that grace and applying the teaching of God’s word, Christians can not only experience personal healing, but the privilege of blessing those with whom they were formerly at odds.

Solomon’s Way’s mediation services are clear and comprehensive, relying on direct biblical precepts, pastoral experience, professional training, and practical insight into human relationships to resolve disputes.

Mediation

As a trained mediator with hundreds of hours of experience helping people in many different situations come to effective agreements, I lead churches and its members through a dispute resolution process that honors the goals and interests of all participants. My style of mediation is known as “facilitative:” my role is to help parties come to their own conclusions and decisions. In facilitative mediation, the mediator does not evaluate “sides” or direct outcomes so much as guide and direct the process of reconciliation itself.

Anyone in a congregation may initiate a mediation, either on their own or through a pastoral leader in the church. You simply contact me directly to discuss a possible mediation. I will ask for basic contact information of the parties involved in the conflict and a brief description of the issues. There is almost no limit to what kinds of situations church mediation can address—relational difficulties, church policies, elder/board/leadership disputes, elements in worship and service are common candidates for mediation. I also offer facilitative meetings for church planning, vision, and mission goals

Once a person initiates a request for mediation, I contact the proposed participants and a member of the pastoral staff. (While the contents of a mediation are confidential, the need for church accountability, especially for any mediated agreements, requires pastoral involvement.) When we have decided who will be present, I then arrange to meet with each of the parties separately. In these preliminary discussions, I will familiarize everyone with the mediation process and hear the concerns and hopes of each participant. These meetings are confidential, offering a safe environment in which each participant can speak honestly and freely.

Once preparatory meetings are concluded, I arrange a date and location for the actual mediation. The meeting will take place in a neutral location, agreeable to all parties. Mediators typically set aside a three to four-hour block of time to ensure the meeting is not rushed in any way. Not all mediations will take that long while others will require one or even more additional sessions. For more on what happens during the mediation proper, see “About Mediation” from the home page.

Mediation Training for Churches

Mediation Training

As a mediator, I am constantly inspired by the process of reconciliation that occurs when Christians commit themselves to resolving their differences. Because of this, I am especially passionate about working with churches to establish a culture of reconciliation through biblical conflict resolution. Along with mediation services, thus, I offer both basic and comprehensive training in dispute resolution to help churches develop the skills for handling disagreement in the long-term.

Every church is unique, of course. So while my core curriculum presents the basic principles and practices of conflict resolution, I also work hard to tailor my instruction and training to the specific needs and interests of a congregation. I offer training through basic classes, a series of courses, seminars, retreats, or conferences.

Curriculum

Conflict resolution training involves two parts. The first is understanding conflict in general— its origins, nature, expressions, effects; how Christians often mishandle conflict; and the obstacles to resolution. I also discuss interpersonal and group dynamics, communication issues within a church, and the biblical response to these challenges. The second part of the curriculum is direct, mediation training. I teach and train laypersons/church leaders to become effective mediators themselves, equipping them to facilitate basic conflict resolution in the future.

Building a Conflict Resolution Process and Team in Your Church

One of my ultimate goals is to help churches establish a permanent process for handling disagreement and put in place a team of people who will oversee and staff that process. Solomon’s Way can help congregations understand who would best fit the requirements of a mediator; how to implement ongoing training programs; how to set up oversight and accountability; and how to integrate conflict resolution into the pastoral care of the church.

If you are interested in understanding the common causes of church conflict, training mediators to resolve conflict within your church, or developing a permanent process for handling disagreement and conflict, please contact me. I have helped many churches and congregations over the years and I believe I can make a difference in yours.

As much as I enjoy, and am inspired by, the outcomes that mediation often generates, I am even more enthusiastic about teaching conflict resolution principles and helping churches establish long-term goals and practices that will bring lasting change to relationships.

There is great power when a congregation makes peace a priority – not peace that ignores or over-spiritualizes conflict, but peace that deals in grace, forgiveness, personal responsibility, and facing the sometimes hard realities of disagreements. I can offer tools (classes, seminars, retreats, personal instruction) for making the pursuit of peace a greater part of your church life.